One of the things I witnessed last week was a situation where someone in a local online queer space took exception to rules put in place to make moderation easy for everyone. They didn’t take kindly to our decision to not relax the rules and a desire for us to not expose ourselves to content we voluntarily would have to handle were an issue to arise. As a consequence, they opted to have the last word and left said space.

How did I feel? I didn’t feel any remorse over the matter.

When I was younger, I was bullied quite a lot. The bullying was horrifying because I went to a small private school with no alternate classes for each grade. If you were in Grade 6, you were in the Grade 6 classroom and there were no alternatives. This led to me having a massive breakdown during my time in said grade and my school and parents required me to see a psychologist despite the fact that the bullying came from elsewhere. The 1990s were so great weren’t they?

As I entered adulthood and was able to leave that time of my life behind, I had a lot of trouble getting on in some online spaces. I hadn’t learnt how to find my space online and a lot of it was due to my having not reconciled with aspects of my queer identity. Trying to fit in was difficult and I didn’t know how to be myself there.

Coming out, I was able to figure out the spaces I belonged in with some trial and error. I listened to myself and didn’t attempt to try and fit in where I didn’t belong or I found hostile.

Does my experience line up with this person in the opening example 1:1? Absolutely not, but at least for me, I know where I belong and don’t fight these communities where I may not fit.

A space that doesn’t cater to me and my interests, desires, needs, et cetera is not a space for me. I think that this a healthy approach and one that takes a lot to learn how to grasp. Yearning to return to a community after being removed either voluntarily or forcibly is unlikely to be a healthy behaviour to continue with.

Creating your own community is healthier.

I must make it clear that this does not of course excuse anything rotten such as bigotry, classism, and the like, but the above thinking applies to how I want to socialise. Awful communities must be called out, but not all communities where I don’t feel like I fit in are necessarily awful in themselves.